Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Road Not Taken

lets continue with the story, Once I told the father, and we went through all the drama. I had to make a decision whether or not, to have the baby. It was a choice that I and no one else could make. The only thing that I could think about was how this child was going to be an inconvenience for me. But once I finally made my decision to abort, I chose not to tell my mother or anyone else, only but a few people knew. I told the father that I needed $275 dollars, that was the going rate back then. I remember looking in the yellow pages and finding a place that was on the bus route. I remember making the appointment  getting on the bus and going to the abortion clinic, in that second so many things went through my mind, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I was too young, not out of high school, things at home was not right, plus I didn't know anything about raising a baby. Why would I want or need a child?. Plus I was so ashamed. How did I let this happen, I wasn't permissive, I had made one mistake.

That was the longest bus ride of my life, for some reason I thought everyone knew, I thought they could tell I wore the color of shame very well, I could not wait to get this over with. I was just thinking about tomorrow, and how I could get back into track, swimming, back to my routine on how I could do this, or that, if this one thing just go away I will never let this happen again. Once I finally got off the bus I started walking towards the clinic, It was a crowd of people standing across the street where I had to walk through to get to the clinic. They were holding up sign telling me that I was going to hell, and not go in there, give your baby up for adoption, its a sin, Now at seventeen I was pretty strong minded and I was not going to let anyone change my mind not even people with signs showing pictures that you would never want any one to see. I just walk right through the crowd and told them to mind there own business.

See this was my choice that I had to make not anyone else,s well I thought. But as I went through the door I knew it was no turning back. I told the receptionist my name, my fake name that is, and sign in. Right at that moment I wish that, I would have told someone to come with me. ( That's something you would never want to do by your self trust me and ask for help) but the only people who knew was just a couple of friends and the baby father. Well, I started to fill out the form and waited until they called my name. Once my name was called I went up the stairs to this small room where I met with a counselor and I remember her asking me how did I feel about the decision that I was making to have an abortion and once again I was bold and sure and told her that I was okay with my decision. She ask me a couple of more questions and then gave me a pamphlet and told me that the nurse would call me in once they were ready. I was just ready for it to be over with so that I could get back to my life.

I tell you I had no reservations none at all, once the nurse called my fake name I was like finally, it was crowed, But once in the room the nurse ask me if I knew how far I was, I told her no I just knew that I was pregnant. She told me that she would need to perform a sonogram to see how pregnant I was . I was like whatever, lets just get this done and over with. I got undressed got on the the examing table, as the nurse was doing the sonogram, I don't know call it divine intervention because in that second something happen, I herd this beeping and thumping sound as I laid there waiting , I ask the nurse what was that sound that I was hearing and she said, that it was the babys heartbeat. What!!! I thought, a heartbeat!!! not mine I ask, she said no the babys. (I knew that I just wanted her to tell me). I know that I was not suppose to hear that but I did and something happen it was real, it was so real. In that split second I told her that it was okay, she ask me what are you talking about, I told her that I had changed my mind, and she ask me if I was sure I told her no! but it was my decision and now I have to figure it out.

Right at that monment FEAR OF THE UNKNOW HIT ME , I WAS SO SCARED I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, and that's when my journey began.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Advice to a Teenage Mom: The First Months

My Advice to a Teenage Mom: The First Months: "My advice to a Teenage Mom As I look at the new reality show, Teem Mom, and 16 and pregnant, as I carefully view this program. I came to ..."

The First Months

My advice to a Teenage Mom

As I look at the new reality show, Teem Mom, and 16 and pregnant, as I carefully view this program. I came to realization that our young girls are in trouble. Where is the self esteem, the love thy self first, and especially the common sense. As I continue to look at these two shows, I find myself talking to the television set like I am caring on a conversation with these girls. As I continue watching the show I see myself saying, yes, he's going to leave you, "he's sixteen" yes he's going to sleep around " he's sixteen". I saw myself getting upset because the girls were not listening. ( of course not it's a T.V. Show) I wanted to reach for the phone to call them but, no number, so I did the next best thing, I decided to write my on Blog. "My Advice to a Teenage Mom".

You see I was a teenage Mother, I was scared, I was young and a little stupid that's because I was a teenager, but one thing I did have even if it was a little, and that was common sense. I also had the wisdom of several older women that spoke to me and told me the way life really was. So here we are, The first Months. My mission is to tell you teen moms the absolute brutal truth, the ugly truth, and not hold anything back. Your life will change this month, you will have to make several decisions this month. You will have to reach deep inside and ask yourselves what is it, that you really want. I am not hear to judge you, or make that decision for you. I am just hear to tell you, what ever decision you make, be it abortion, adoption, or to keep your child. It will change your life.

The First Months. (The Oh Shit Moment)

Okay, you just missed your period, you know, something is going on with your body, that's because it's your body, you are feeling tired, more than usual, you are really emotional, everything you smell is getting to you, you may even think that you have the flu. (SORRY) so you are walking in a daze, you don't know whats going on with your body. You don't know what to do. In the back of your mind you are telling yourself, could I be? you erase that thought real quick. I was on the Depo-Provera shot, I used a condom, I take the pill, but, you are still feeling this way. but before we go on, let me tell you what happen to me.

( My Oh Shit Moment): I was sleeping in History class, and my friends were telling me that I was sleeping a lot in class. I had one friend who had already given birth and suggested to me that I may be pregnant. I told her no way, but as I walked to my locker, in the back of my head I knew she could be right. But no, I was in denial. I kept telling myself he wore a condom and I couldn't be. I did nothing about it, I kept being in denial, until one day as I was getting out of bed and my head was spinning and spinning. I was like (Oh Shit, what do I do) I couldn't speak to my mother, I thought, because I was angry at her at the time and I did not think she would understand. I just kept telling myself I will handle the situation.

I needed to know the truth, so I ask one of my friends what to do to find out, she told me to go and buy a pregnancy test. Now you know, I was so embarrassed to walk into the store and buy a pregnancy test. I was thinking what will people think, as if I will see these people again. Well in a nutshell, I did what I had to do on a stick, and (Oh Shit) I am pregnant. So you know what I did next, I had to tell someone, the baby's father. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't prepared to hear what came out of his mouth. You see, I didn't want to settle down with him, it wasn't like that for me. But let me set the scene up for you, imagine him sitting on the couch looking at T.V. and I walk in his room and tell him that I need to talk to him about something. It's serious, but he is still looking at T.V. so I tell him, what just happen, I peed on a stick and I am pregnant. Got his attention, WAIT FOR IT. and he said (but how do i know its mine) "WTF" did that actually just come out of his mouth.

(Back to you): You finally know that you are pregnant, if you have a boyfriend, and you haven't told him. Stop for a second and let me tell you right now, everything may not turn out the way you want it to. I know that many girls and I mean many girls want the fairytale, you know the house, the man the pickett fence and to be in love. You may even think that wow I am pregnant now he has to stay with me. I GOT him. Well I hate to burst your bubble, delete everything i just wrote from your head, (IT WONT EVEN HAPPEN) Even if you and your boyfriend decides to get married, trust me when I tell you that statistics says that you wont make it, and statistics says that your child would either be in jail, a high school drop out,or repeat the same mistake that you made or even dead. But and a big but coming from one teenage mom to another you and your child do not have to be a statistic.

 If you decided to abort please go and get some counseling you will need it. But if you have decided to keep the baby or give it up for adoption, my advice would be for you, is to talk to someone, the first choice will be a counselor, you and the baby father and your parents. The counselor will be there to make sure that you do not get lost in making a decision that's best for you and the baby. This is just the first week of your situation, if you like this blog and want to hear more, please let me know. I will continue to tell my story, and I hope it helps. I will also bring on other Teenage moms who have beat the odds.

 BECAUSE WE ALL NEED HOPE. If you need to talk please lets open up a conversation. I don't claim to know everything, but I will be happy to share what I know.