The Road Not Taken

lets continue with the story, Once I told the father, and we went through all the drama. I had to make a decision whether or not, to have the baby. It was a choice that I and no one else could make. The only thing that I could think about was how this child was going to be an inconvenience for me. But once I finally made my decision to abort, I chose not to tell my mother or anyone else, only but a few people knew. I told the father that I needed $275 dollars, that was the going rate back then. I remember looking in the yellow pages and finding a place that was on the bus route. I remember making the appointment  getting on the bus and going to the abortion clinic, in that second so many things went through my mind, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I was too young, not out of high school, things at home was not right, plus I didn't know anything about raising a baby. Why would I want or need a child?. Plus I was so ashamed. How did I let this happen, I wasn't permissive, I had made one mistake.

That was the longest bus ride of my life, for some reason I thought everyone knew, I thought they could tell I wore the color of shame very well, I could not wait to get this over with. I was just thinking about tomorrow, and how I could get back into track, swimming, back to my routine on how I could do this, or that, if this one thing just go away I will never let this happen again. Once I finally got off the bus I started walking towards the clinic, It was a crowd of people standing across the street where I had to walk through to get to the clinic. They were holding up sign telling me that I was going to hell, and not go in there, give your baby up for adoption, its a sin, Now at seventeen I was pretty strong minded and I was not going to let anyone change my mind not even people with signs showing pictures that you would never want any one to see. I just walk right through the crowd and told them to mind there own business.

See this was my choice that I had to make not anyone else,s well I thought. But as I went through the door I knew it was no turning back. I told the receptionist my name, my fake name that is, and sign in. Right at that moment I wish that, I would have told someone to come with me. ( That's something you would never want to do by your self trust me and ask for help) but the only people who knew was just a couple of friends and the baby father. Well, I started to fill out the form and waited until they called my name. Once my name was called I went up the stairs to this small room where I met with a counselor and I remember her asking me how did I feel about the decision that I was making to have an abortion and once again I was bold and sure and told her that I was okay with my decision. She ask me a couple of more questions and then gave me a pamphlet and told me that the nurse would call me in once they were ready. I was just ready for it to be over with so that I could get back to my life.

I tell you I had no reservations none at all, once the nurse called my fake name I was like finally, it was crowed, But once in the room the nurse ask me if I knew how far I was, I told her no I just knew that I was pregnant. She told me that she would need to perform a sonogram to see how pregnant I was . I was like whatever, lets just get this done and over with. I got undressed got on the the examing table, as the nurse was doing the sonogram, I don't know call it divine intervention because in that second something happen, I herd this beeping and thumping sound as I laid there waiting , I ask the nurse what was that sound that I was hearing and she said, that it was the babys heartbeat. What!!! I thought, a heartbeat!!! not mine I ask, she said no the babys. (I knew that I just wanted her to tell me). I know that I was not suppose to hear that but I did and something happen it was real, it was so real. In that split second I told her that it was okay, she ask me what are you talking about, I told her that I had changed my mind, and she ask me if I was sure I told her no! but it was my decision and now I have to figure it out.

Right at that monment FEAR OF THE UNKNOW HIT ME , I WAS SO SCARED I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO, and that's when my journey began.